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Nines' Regatta 2017

Sunday 28th May

Previous event: Champs Eights Head - Following event: X-Press Eights' Head

3rd Men's VIII

Bow: Amaru Araya‑Williams, 2: Michelangelo Chini, 3: Elliot Lynch, 4: Tom Hilbourne, 5: Harry Perkin, 6: Alec Downie, 7: Will Broadbelt, Stroke: Geoff Macintyre, Cox: Jess Lindley

1st Round: Defeated King's M2 by two lengths; 2nd Round: Lost to Magdalene M2 by half a length

6th Men's VIII

Bow: Andres Bustamante, 2: Olly McMillan, 3: Martijn Lugten, 4: Ridhwaan Suliman, 5: Will Theis, 6: Austin Jaspers, 7: Nick Wise, Stroke: Richard Gunning, Cox: Adira Levine

1st Round: Defeated Pembroke M4 easily; 2nd Round: Defeated LMBC M6 by three lengths; Finals: lost to Pembroke M3

Nick Wise reports:


M16 and the Chamber of Secrets

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. It was also the Easter term of opportunity and the Pentecost of possibility for the Clare Boat Club's most notorious rowing crew, the artists formerly known as the M16. In an event of unprecedented drama and unspeakable fury, the noticeably-no-longer-casual "big bad grad fad" comfortably beat Pembroke M4 (known for its reasonably priced Sunday brunches), ignited a diplomatic crisis in Qatar, and, with the help of a strong tailwind and expert celestial navigation, breezed past the venerable John's M6.

The incident that followed shall forever live in infamy.

It was a "hot lovely day," said Olly "Will Theiss" McMillan, before muttering something about "bracket-style 1-on-1 races" and the MCR committee handover. As former FBI director James Comey describes in his written testimony to the Senate Intelligence Committee, Nick "Sunkist" Wise invited the M16's rowing shell to a private dinner, during which he asked repeatedly for the boat's "loyalty." Pledging only its honesty, the boat proceeded to explode in its third and final race, leaving Wise up a creek without a paddle. Watching in abject horror as Sunkist's blade shot out of its gate, Ridhwaan "The Waterborne Chillness" Suliman called the catastrophe "definitely the most fun I've had on a boat."

As the situation continued to deteriorate, veteran coxswain Foxy Coxy maintained an upbeat but fiercely competitive attitude, offering encouraging shouts of 'Wait, do we keep rowing?', followed shortly by 'We can still win this!', as the echoes of Pembroke's victory parade were already audible far, far upstream. The M16 maintained exquisite composure as their vessel's seats began collapsing in on themselves, though all hell broke loose when they learned that formal booking deadlines had been moved from Wednesday mornings to Tuesday evenings. According to BBC press covfefe,* it was primarily this shock announcement that caused MI6 to "lose comically" to Pembroke M3, though chants of "Beer boat? Fear boat!" heard from the river suggested that the oarsmens' spirits had nonetheless remained high.

* BBC race report:


Uploaded Monday 12th June, 13:20